books

Books I Read In March

April 5, 2013 By Shalini 7 Comments

You guys, it is a sad day when I admit that I think I am done with pulp romance for a while, especially the self-published stuff. My brain needs some quinoa and organic kamut, or what have you. This month was…not so good. Not so good at all.

(I’m only linking to books I liked, FYI, from here on out.)

23. A Wrinkle In Time by Madeline L’Engle

I loved the beginning and the end of this book. The middle was weird, and with all fantasy, I find myself looking at all the plot holes, unwilling to suspend disbelief. It’s a good thing the end was so great. I am still thinking about the metaphor of the Black Thing. Lovely.

24. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

I started reading this book and was like, “Hey! This is funny!” And then I was like, “Hmm, this is really familiar.” And then I was like, “Wait, I’ve totally read this book already, haven’t I?” I had. It was still good.

25. The Rock Star in Seat 3A by Jill Kargman

I checked this book out of the library because I wanted a romance and I’d heard Kargman was a great writer. She has a fantastic voice and great writing skillz; it’s too bad she wasted it on this complete shit for a book.

26. Faking It by Jennifer Crusie

I cannot remember reading this book, or anything about it, but I do remember enjoying it.

27. Anyone But You by Jennifer Crusie

This numbered list is really out of order, because THIS is the last book I read in March. Like I’m going to renumber them? No. Anyhow, basically the perfect feminist romance. Okay, not perfect because it was too short and the romance was a little underdeveloped but GOODNESS she’s so fun and good I’ll overlook that any day.

28. Losing It by Cora Carmack

Oh, wait, this was a pulpy, self-published book that was fantastic. It was FUNNY. It was WELL-WRITTEN. All the best to this author. She’s got talent.

29. On Dublin Street by Samantha Young

Why did I read this?

30. The Siren by Tiffany Reisz

I would rather poke my eyes out than reread any of this book. People RAVED about it, but I have to remember: 1) I do not read erotica and so, er, this was a little much for me, and 2) OH MY GOD ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH THIS PLOT WHAT THE HELL I NEED THERAPY. Ahem.

31. Reckless by S.C. Stephens

This was the last in the Kellan Kyle series of books, and while I didn’t quite enjoy the first two, I was still somehow hooked. If this book were first? I would have been unhooked. It was just…oh god, SO BAD. Not as bad as The Siren, but WOWZA. BAD. I feel like all these self-pubbed authors that get picked up by publishing houses are being steamrolled, or the publishing houses have the shittiest editors in the world. The voice and all the action was sucked out of this book. There was no hook. There was no conflict. There was absolutely no motivation to turn the page.

32. Flat Out Matt by Jessica Park

Flat Out Love was one of my favorite books of 2012, so I REALLY wanted to like this. I did not like this. Not even one little snippet of it. It was short, it was unenlightening, and the reader would be better off never having read it.

I’M SORRY. I hate that I hate so many books TOO. I want to clap and be happy for every author ever, but you know what? I’m kind of an asshole. BUT I’m an asshole that reads a lot of shitty books so you don’t have to.

Filed Under: books, review

Jonathan Franzen Loves

February 13, 2012 By Shalini 8 Comments

Hi! I’m on vacation right now. OK, I’m actually just struggling with luggage and dog kennels and a kid with an ear infection, busted teeth and a swollen mouth. And I get to get on an AIRPLANE with him. I’m so lucky.

Please enjoy this post I wrote a while back. I won’t be around to answer comments or emails, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t LEAVE comments or emails, as I will likely read them while hiding in an airport bathroom, alternately sobbing and wondering who will pee on me on the airplane. (And they say that motherhood is tough. Bah!)

My friend sent me an article on J. Franz (that’s Jonathan Franzen to you, but I think he’d appreciate being called J. Franz more, don’t you?) and his many hates. She knows how I adore his books. In addition to believing the ebook is killing society, he also hates smartphones, facebook, the Internet in general, and cats. Oh, and puppies, rainbows, love, world peace and happiness.

But none of this is surprising. The real question is: what does J. Franz LOVE?

1. Admiring His Art

“Perfect!” he’d exclaim (but only in the privacy (that’s pronounced the British way, “priv-uh-see”) of his own home).

2. Proving His Art Is Better Than Others’

3. Admiring Other Forms of His Art

And I believe that’s the exhaustive list of J. Franz loves. But enough talking about that. Now tell me what YOU love about J. Franz.

Filed Under: books

Notes from Gandalf the Grey, My P.E. Teacher

February 3, 2012 By Shalini 19 Comments

The rope climb:

Go back to the abyss! Fall into nothingness that awaits you and your master!

Dodgeball:

War is coming. The enemy is on your doorstep. As steward, you are charged with the defense of this city. Where are Gondor’s armies? You still have friends. You are not alone in this fight. Send word to Theoden of Rohan. Light the Beacons.

Basketball:

This is no place for a Hobbit!

Waiting for me to complete the minimum one chin-up for the Presidential Fitness Test:

This will be the end of Gondor as we know it. Here the hammer-stroke will fall hardest.

One Mile Run:

Run, Shadowfax. Show us the meaning of haste.

Handing out tardy slips:

A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

The locker rooms:

But the air doesn’t smell so foul here. If in doubt, always follow your nose.

The High Jump:

I will not say do not weep. Not all tears are evil.

When asking to sit out due to faked lady problems:

Fool of a Took!

Hot yoga:

It is not our part to master all the tides of the world, but to do what is in us for the succour of those years wherein we are set, uprooting the evil in the fields that we know, so that those who live after may have clean earth to till.

Soccer goal-tending:

Authority is not given to you to deny the return of the king.

Handing out report cards:

You shall not pass!

Filed Under: books, Uncategorized

The Future of Us, Because Apparently Nothing Else Matters

February 1, 2012 By Shalini 21 Comments

Oh, hey, it’s been a long time since I’ve done a book review. That’s probably because I’ve been reading good books. But boy do I have one for you today.

It’s The Future of Us by Carolyn Mackler and Jay Asher. (Its cover is a bunch of 0s and 1s, because you know, that’s how programmers work, right? They just…type out zeroes and ones.)

Asher and Mackler have both written some really good books in the past, collectively. So they got together, I’m assuming, in an attempt to suck more as writers.

The first thing you need to know about The Future of Us (besides that is obviously going to suck) is that it’s set in 1996. Here are things that I, who LIVED through 1996, did not know about 1996:

1. Phones look like this:

2. Rollerblading is really hot!

3. These things are not in wide use yet: anything faster than dial-up, caller ID, reasonable parents who give a frack about their children, homework required to be done on a computer, dental care, medical intervention that does not involve using leeches.

Also, we had just started to recover from the Black Death and Shakespeare was really, really big. Oh, that cad, I remember when I went to high school with him and he used to do Jell-O shots. Never change, Will!

Anyway, the premise of The Future of Us is that two teenagers get a CD-ROM for AOL (ha!) and when they install it, it gets them to FACEBOOK. IN 2011. Fuh-reaky!

Here is where I expected it to get ultra awesome, revealing future worlds or magical powers or the fate of the universe or something life altering.

But…but…

The only thing they do THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE BOOK is find out who they’re dating or married to, and then see if little changes they can make will alter this future.

THAT’S THE ENTIRE BOOK.

Well, there’s a side plot where the boy likes the girl, but she’s such an idiot because all she cares about is who she might be married to, so I don’t know why. There might be some longing glances thrown in to indicate feelings or something.

THAT’S IT. I can’t write more, because I wrote the entire book.

I guess books in 1996 were more simple. Ah, the good old days. I think I might call ole Chaucer and see how he’s doing.

Filed Under: books, review

Sisterhood Neverlasting

January 10, 2012 By Shalini 16 Comments

I like YA books. They’re usually quicker reads and more plentiful and less depressing than adult versions of the same thing. So it’s probably no surprise that I read the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series by Ann Brashares. Actually, I loved it.

So when the last book in the series, Sisterhood Everlasting, was released, I was super duper extra luper excited.

That was a mistake.

First, we find out that all the main female characters, Bee, Tibby, Carmen and Lena are pretty much losers. They used to be goal-oriented, reach for the stars girls. They attended private, expensive, limited admission schools. They had impressive internships. You’d be proud to have one of them as your daughter. That’s all you really need to know about the previous three books, because, well, because they’re not really the same characters any longer.

[If you have any desire to read this book (you shouldn't, but I can't mind control you yet), stop reading now. Spoilers ahead.]

Bee graduated from an Ivy league and was an excellent soccer player, but now she lives with her boyfriend and mooches off of him while she stays home and bakes cookies.

Lena wanted to be an artist and after graduating from the Rhode Island School of Design and having some success in gallery showings, she’s…destitute and teaching part-time. (OK, this one is kind of accurate for an artist.)

Carmen wanted to be an actress and—wait for it–IS. She went to Williams and starred in lots of plays. Now she’s successful and on Law and Order but it’s not called that for whatever reason. She’s on Fake Law and Order.

And she’s engaged to some random rich network TV dude! Which is a step up because in all three of the previous books, they never really talk about Carmen with much in the way of romantic prospects. My theory on that is it’s because she’s a little bit round and also half Puerto Rican. You know how men don’t find Hispanic women attractive ever, right?

Oh, but even though Carmen is successful, she’s miserable. Her fiance is a douchebag, her job is really boring, and she’s basically lost her soul and only thinks about her career. How awful!

Oh, and Tibby? She wanted to be a filmmaker.

Now she’s dead.

But that’s OK! Because before she died, Tibby got married! And had a baby! And…what? Do you want more from her? She succeeded as a human being, clearly. She was the best off of the four! Sure, she didn’t have a job and she died mysteriously, possibly from a suicide, but listen. SHE HAD A BABY. And she married a rich man! That’s all it takes for a woman to be happy, right?

That’s clearly the thesis of the novel, because this is what happens to Bridget, Carmen and Lena by the end of the book:

No, seriously, that’s the end of the book. Bridget is pregnant and engaged to a (rich) lawyer. Carmen has lost a good job but met a man with babies (He speaks Spanish and so does she so it was clearly meant to be! That’s seriously all they have in common.) on a train and is in love. Lena gets engaged to a (rich) businessman and paints in a hobby sort of way.

What more can a woman want? Oh, and they have their BEST FRIENDS! Womenfolk to surround them and help raise their babies! Awww!

Now, you, dear reader, can go out and ditch your career and your aspirations and find yourself a rich businessman/lawyer or, if you’re not white, anyone who speaks your language. You’ll be happy you did, ladies!

Thanks Ms. Brashares, for the insights, and for obliterating the message of your previous three sort-of-feminist books.

Filed Under: books, fiction, review

The Fat Girl

October 30, 2011 By Shalini 14 Comments

If you happen to be a fat girl trapped in fiction, movies or TV, chances are you:

look like a balloon more than a normal person, and are completely obsessed with food and/or cooking;

are the sidekick to the main character skinny girl (who looks like a cross between a greyhound and the Grim Reaper, but who you nonetheless envy because “she’s so pretty!”);

help your main character bestie find true love; you, too, might stumble upon a handsome but hefty lover across the buffet table;

and you might find your life is really worth something if you just put down the cupcake and maybe took care of yourself, sheesh. Maybe you could even be a main character one day*!

*Except of course if you’re a fat brown, black or yellow girl. Then there’s no freaking way you’re ever going to be a valid human being.

Filed Under: books, tropes

Something Blah

October 26, 2011 By Shalini 21 Comments

I finally read the book by Emily Giffin Something Borrowed. This isn’t usually my kind of bag, but it was a Friday night and I didn’t have any books from the library and…and…and Emily Giffin went to my high school.

There, I admitted it. I was curious. I wanted to see how someone would portray my high school in a New York Times bestselling novel that got made into a movie with Kate Freaking Hudson.

Just for reference sake, here’s a photo of my high school:

Oh, I’m sorry, that’s a photo of the inside of the devil’s mouth. They look so similar that sometimes I get them mixed up.

And here is a rendering of what I looked like in high school:

That’s right. I was Dave Grohl in high school.

I weighed approximately 85 lbs (seriously) (I’m five foot seven), had a raging case of insomnia for years and couldn’t wait to graduate. Once, a friend of mine told me in a completely objective manner, “I’ve never known anyone who hates things as much as you.” And that was my friend. That sums up those four years of my life well.

Here is how my high school is portrayed in Something Borrowed:

Needless to say, even if Emily Giffin and I had known each other in high school, we would not have been friends.

The story in Something Borrowed revolves around two friends who grew up in Naperville, Indiana who—wait, I need to stop. I grew up in Naperville, Illinois. It’s kind of a big suburb of Chicago. Actually, it’s huge.

Also? IT’S IN ILLINOIS.

You see, Giffin doesn’t change anything else about the school–she keeps the name of the mascot the same, the town the same, the school newspaper even has the same name, but she changes it to Indiana instead of Illinois. Why couldn’t she change the name of the city? Why couldn’t she hide some of the identifying features of the school if she didn’t want it to be the exact same place in the book as in her childhood?

Oh, right.

Anyhow, the book is about a woman who steals her best friend from high school’s fiance. But it’s totally justified! Adultery is okay if you liked the guy first! And your best friend is a jerk!

In conclusion: the boyfriend stealer wins, the best friend is shown to be a giant loser, and Naperville stays in Indiana. And reading about my high school made me feel like this:

So. Don’t read this book.

Now I need to play some Nirvana while painting my fingernails black and reading Ordinary People.

Filed Under: books, neuroses, social awkwardness

Good Books

October 17, 2011 By Shalini 18 Comments

There was a random comment I read on Facebook today (not even directed toward me and not by anyone I know!) that implied that “bad” books like Twilight are bad for you.

Um.

Do you know what happens when librarians (former, future or current) read that?

That’s right. We put on our kicky red boots.

Oh, and we turn into our alter-ego, SUPERLIBRARIAN.

You see, the problem is this: there is no such thing as a bad book.

Romance novels (even the ones with Fabio on the cover!) are not bad books. YA books that supposedly turn teenagers’ brains into pudding are not bad books. Comic books are not bad books. Books that are pink and “for women” aren’t bad (perhaps annoyingly marketed, but not bad). Books by Dan Brown aren’t bad. Books with sex in them aren’t bad. Books with lots of violence aren’t bad. Books about religion aren’t bad. Not even Twilight is a bad book! Jonathan Franzen books aren’t…OK, it’s going to take a lot for me to write that.

Books aren’t bad. Books aren’t going to make you fatter or give you cancer or sleep with your boyfriend. They don’t make you bad. People can be bad. But books are just, you know, books. Made of paper or digital ink and thoughts. Lots of hard work, but never, ever, ever bad. Why do people feel bad about reading? If you read a certain kind of book you’re not dumb or smart. It’s really much more important that you’re reading. Reading makes you a better human being. (Really.) It exposes you to others’ viewpoints. It shows you the world. Maybe you disagree with it, but then, hey! That means you formed an educated opinion! What’s wrong with that?

Books make people feel better. They give us company. They stimulate stay-at-home-moms’ brains when they are trapped inside with a three-year-old all day. They are good for everyone.

I cannot tell you how many times I talked to students when I was a librarian who told me about books they were embarrassed to be reading. No! We must stop this! There should be NO SHAME IN READING. NO SHAME IN READING ANYTHING AT ALL THAT ANYONE WANTS TO READ.

Further, you’re not a better person because you read certain kinds of books. Just like you’re not a better person if you wear certain types of clothing. (Unless you’re a hipster. Then we have to talk.)

Books are GOOD. All books. Fine, even Franzen.

(I know you know all of this already but I couldn’t help myself from evangelizing to the already converted.)

(And oh hey, I finally made a goodreads account under readingandchickens AT gmail and will be listing ALL OF THE BAD BOOKS I READ there, if you want to join me.)

Filed Under: books

Jonathan Franzen Should Be Paying Me To Write This Post

October 11, 2011 By Shalini 13 Comments

Because I am saving him TIME! So much time! I have written ALL of his books, past and future, right here in this post.

First, meet an average Midwestern* family:

*approximation of Midwesterners, as Franzen has never experienced any firsthand

Make sure all of the women are extremely boring, and there’s a talented but misguided youth in there somewhere.

Throw in a conniving and shady neighbor that will take advantage of the unsuspecting Midwestern family, because gosh darnit, Midwesterners are so gosh darn gullible. Aw shucks.

Now make sure you’re thoroughly annoyed by all of the characters and/or they’re despicable. Maybe the son could accidentally-on-purpose kill some US soldiers or sleep with an underage student or…both. Do both!