Uncertainties

Status update: my library job has ended until next school year, my book is still a disaster, and I’ve somehow managed to gain more weight than I did while gestating a giant baby. Oh, and I had a huge, explosive fight with some of the people who abused and neglected me when I was a child, where I realized: they are never, ever going to get it, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

On the outset, life isn’t looking so hot. Everything feels up in the air and uncertain and I get very verklempt over Instagram photos of sunsets and Pinterested motivational sayings lately. That’s pretty grim, you’ve got to agree.

But in reality: things are kind of great. Everything is up in the air! I have no control over the people who abused me, and I never will, so I don’t have to worry about that! I get to work on my book and I happen to love writing! Etc. etc. etc.

But.

I’m a big fan of control. I like things to be a certain way. I’m always on time. I like to straighten my wavy hair and then pin it down because otherwise it might end up looking crazy halfway through the day and I wouldn’t know it and people might look at me weird. I have a set time that I wake up, that I make dinner, that the kids do homework, that I exercise, that I answer emails, and so on. I don’t like changes in my routine. There may be multiple spreadsheets involved in my life. And sometimes I read the ending of a book before I’m even halfway done with it because I NEED TO KNOW THINGS WILL BE OKAY.

I’m giving that up. I stopped wearing a watch. Yesterday I didn’t even cook dinner, and the day before that we spontaneously went out for pizza at a local place we were driving by, just because. I got my hair cut in a way I’ve always wanted but was afraid to because 1) it means keeping my hair it’s crazy wavy self and 2) what if other people didn’t like it, because it’s so…quirky? (I also cut my own bangs this morning even shorter, because. Even though it might have turned out terrible.) (It didn’t. It looks even better, even if I’m the only one who thinks so.)

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I eat whatever I want. I eat breakfast FIRST, even if I have school lunches to make and the clock is ticking and OMG I MIGHT RUN OUT OF TIME WHY AM I EATING I CAN DO THIS LATER!!! (I never run out of time.) I put a call to action out that we could $1600 collectively even though I am not really sure how that is possibly going to happen with this little blog. I am giving away $1600-plus of my money.

EVERYTHING IS UNCERTAIN AAAAH.

It feels really, really good. I’d write more, but I didn’t plan out what I was going to say, and I think I’m going to go on a little walk with my elderly dog instead. Because I have no control over what’s going to happen next, but I’m sure it will be better than anything I could have planned.

Comments

  1. says

    Firstly, you are awesome and your bangs are pretty.

    Secondly, scary things are the WORST, but are usually much better than my worst-case scenarios. (Really, those are the WORST^10th.)

    Thirdly, this: “I had a huge, explosive fight with some of the people who abused and neglected me when I was a child, where I realized: they are never, ever going to get it, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.” Yes. this exactly for me too. But, at least for me, there is something I can do about it. Right before Mother’s Day I made the hard-but-worth-it decision to disengage, completely. And then I hid from social media for a week because it was full of “Mom’s are THE BEST!” blah blah blah.

    Fourthly, did I mention you are awesome? You are awesome.

    xox

  2. says

    I just keep loving you more and more. It seems as though you are doing the same. The hair is awesome – mainly because it’s on your head.

  3. Slauditory says

    First, love your hair. It makes you look more adorable than ever!(of course, you were already adorable.) secondly…it is so scary to let go of control, but you know, you’re doing it and you’re embracing the moment. Everything will work out!

  4. says

    I love your hair! Also, uncertainty sucks on some levels, but is kind of freeing on others. (this from someone who is job hunting so we can move sometime before the end of summer and trying desperately to believe that it will all work out. I don’t have to stay in my current profession! I keep trying to tell myself that it’s all good.)

  5. says

    I love you, and I love your hair! Did you have to, like, DO STUFF to it to make it look like that, or do you just let it do its thang? If it’s the latter, I am quite jealous. If it’s the former, teach me your ways, oh wise one.

    I am glad you are embracing the uncertainty, and hope it brings you a ton of happiness – you deserve it!

  6. paisleyapron says

    I LOVE your hair. Super super great-looking. Bangs make your eyes look fantastic.

    Congrats on just going with the flow and just float along. It can be fun! I once had a day by myself at home and it was fantastic to not look at the clock, eat when I was hungry, walk when I was restless, and watch Pride and Prejudice multiple times. A true Mother’s Day.

  7. says

    I’m pretty sure there’s some saying out there about relinquishing control but I don’t listen to that baloney anyway because a) it’s probably said by the same people who say YOLO and b) I am a control freak. However (that’s a big however), there is something nice about letting things happen and stop trying to control everything because it’s impossible, never-ending and always frustrating. Your hair looks fantastic. Your kids (and family) look fantastic. Summer is almost here, the days are long, and the sun is out. Get yourself some wine and cheese and let the only control you’re worried about be the remote

  8. says

    Oh, the hair. I am in oooshey goooshey LOVE with the hair. My bangs are short like that now as well, but the rest of my hair is long and straight. I wish I had your curl. You look fucking fantastic.

    Yay for letting go! Teach me. :)

  9. says

    I needed to read this this morning. Things fit me aren’t too uncertain at the moment, but they’re definitely not what I planned, and I’m having a hard time remembering that it’s okay when plans change and it’ll all be okay–or better than okay–in the end. Thanks for the reminder.

    Also, your hair looks fabulous.

  10. Grammy says

    “Man plans. God chuckles!”
    Be like us–decide at 8:30 that it’s time to have dinner and throw a veggie burger in the microwave :)
    Love you, Grammy

  11. says

    Love the haircut.

    I’m sorry you’re still having to deal with all of that bullshit from your childhood, in new & different ways.

    I love “drive by & try the pizza place” trips.