Status update: my library job has ended until next school year, my book is still a disaster, and I’ve somehow managed to gain more weight than I did while gestating a giant baby. Oh, and I had a huge, explosive fight with some of the people who abused and neglected me when I was a child, where I realized: they are never, ever going to get it, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
On the outset, life isn’t looking so hot. Everything feels up in the air and uncertain and I get very verklempt over Instagram photos of sunsets and Pinterested motivational sayings lately. That’s pretty grim, you’ve got to agree.
But in reality: things are kind of great. Everything is up in the air! I have no control over the people who abused me, and I never will, so I don’t have to worry about that! I get to work on my book and I happen to love writing! Etc. etc. etc.
I’m a big fan of control. I like things to be a certain way. I’m always on time. I like to straighten my wavy hair and then pin it down because otherwise it might end up looking crazy halfway through the day and I wouldn’t know it and people might look at me weird. I have a set time that I wake up, that I make dinner, that the kids do homework, that I exercise, that I answer emails, and so on. I don’t like changes in my routine. There may be multiple spreadsheets involved in my life. And sometimes I read the ending of a book before I’m even halfway done with it because I NEED TO KNOW THINGS WILL BE OKAY.
I’m giving that up. I stopped wearing a watch. Yesterday I didn’t even cook dinner, and the day before that we spontaneously went out for pizza at a local place we were driving by, just because. I got my hair cut in a way I’ve always wanted but was afraid to because 1) it means keeping my hair it’s crazy wavy self and 2) what if other people didn’t like it, because it’s so…quirky? (I also cut my own bangs this morning even shorter, because. Even though it might have turned out terrible.) (It didn’t. It looks even better, even if I’m the only one who thinks so.)
I eat whatever I want. I eat breakfast FIRST, even if I have school lunches to make and the clock is ticking and OMG I MIGHT RUN OUT OF TIME WHY AM I EATING I CAN DO THIS LATER!!! (I never run out of time.) I put a call to action out that we could $1600 collectively even though I am not really sure how that is possibly going to happen with this little blog. I am giving away $1600-plus of my money.
EVERYTHING IS UNCERTAIN AAAAH.
It feels really, really good. I’d write more, but I didn’t plan out what I was going to say, and I think I’m going to go on a little walk with my elderly dog instead. Because I have no control over what’s going to happen next, but I’m sure it will be better than anything I could have planned.