Last week I started going to an acupuncture clinic. See, Gregg and I have been trying to get pregnant for two years now, and we’ve been to all the doctors, and been on lots of drugs, and the answer is the magical: there’s not really anything wrong.
And so for a while after I had a miscarriage and a second maybe-it-was-a-miscarriage-but-maybe-not?, we stopped trying. I’d pretty much closed the door on having a third kid. I gave away all of the baby stuff (but not the crib because it’s illegal to give away a crib now, apparently). I talked to the doctor about “permanent” solutions so I’d never again have another miscarriage.
But I kept seeing pregnant women everywhere. It was like they tripled in number, appearing in grocery store aisles and walking down sidewalks, waiting in line at the bank. It was some kind of very slow flash mob directed only at me (in my mind). And as much as I didn’t want to go through another miscarriage again, I wanted to try again.
So I made an appointment for an acupuncturist that my friend recommended, and I’m going once a week. She had me lay down on a table and said, “You’re too cold to keep the baby. We warm you up.” I am cold all of the time, and have low energy. The infertility specialist told me that it was my thyroid, and put me on some medicine that I take every day now. And that helped to a point, but I was still cold all the time. My energy was better, but not great. Two treatments at the acupuncturist and I’m already warmer than I ever have been in my life. I have to pull off my sweatshirt and wool socks and third blanket that I’ve become accustomed to wearing to bed each night to not wake up freezing. I don’t need to wear my winter jacket indoors any longer. I feel…almost normal?
There’s only one problem. I don’t really know if I want a third kid any longer.
I am no good with babies. I am really much better with older kids. My writing career is going somewhere. All four of us can fit in a sedan. The boys are almost done with car seats. No one wakes up in the middle of the night. No one needs me to carry them constantly. The house isn’t a complete disaster every second of the day. I can travel without guilt.
And yet I know my boys would be great with a baby. I know they’d make the best older brothers. I know they’d cherish this kid, and it would make them better people. I know this hypothetical kid would do the same for me and Gregg, just like the boys did for us, too.
I know I can’t have it all, and so…is this the thing I give up? Will I always regret it? I keep turning it over in my mind, somehow trying to see signs or answers all around me. I don’t feel the tug that I first felt to have another kid. But I also don’t feel a resounding NO.
But maybe the lack of an answer is an answer? Or maybe I need more time? I don’t know, so I want to ask you: how did you know when you were done having kids?
I didn’t know if I wanted kids at all. but at some point, Birth control pills were making me insane and I had to stop. My thyroid was a problem too. I was so hypo I was having numbness and heart palpitations. Hubs and I got to a point where we decided to let God decide. I was okay if I never had kid, and I was finally to the point where I would be okay if I had one too. I was 36. I forgot about it, really.. until almost exactly a year later, when I got pregnant. I was happy about it, and not scared at all. I like to think that since I left it in God’s hands, HE knew the right time, person (the baby) and situation for me, and if I would be able to do it. I’m not an incredibly religious person. I probably said ‘God’ in this paragraph more than I’ve said all week. But maybe that’s what you need to do. Stop trying so hard and just let things be… and be okay with whatever happens.
I’m so glad acupuncture is working for.you.. you will feel so much better, baby or no. <3
And what she said. Smart lady.
Well, I don’t think you’re going to like this answer. I knew when I just … knew. I was just done. I mean, it was partly the hell I went through with Leo’s food intolerances and the fear of having another child with the same problems. And of course I wouldn’t undo him, I wouldn’t trade him for anything, but I couldn’t do all that again. So just knew. Now is about the age the other two were when I got the itch to try for another. The itch isn’t there this time. Permanent measures have been taken. Maybe I’ll regret that later? It’s possible, when time softens the difficulties of the early days, months, and so on. But I knew even if I WANTED more children, I shouldn’t have more children. So I took away the option, haha.
All of that is to say … if you aren’t sure if you’re done, at least when that was me, that meant I wasn’t done. For others, being unsure about wanting another baby would mean the opposite, that they must be done because they want to be sure.
I am so glad you are feeling better. You will decide, and it will be the right choice. Either way, you can’t go wrong. Good luck, lady.
While my feelings could change, right now I feel DONE. I don’t want to go through post partum depression again. I don’t want to take care of a newborn at night. We can do so many fun things with the kids that are easy to do because we don’t have a baby. My kids are so fun right now. I can take care of two. I don’t know if I would be as good at taking care of three.
Before I got pregnant with Ree, I felt this pang in my heart like our family needed another kid. I don’t feel that now.
I had three kids in four years. There were complications with the 3rd, that made my OBGYN tell me that having a 4th would be risky for me, but not impossible. For a few years, we went back and forth about having another, and never felt there was any rush (I wasn’t even 29 when my youngest was born). As more time went on, the less and less I wanted to go through it again. Each milestone that my kids hit makes the thought of adding a baby to the mix less and less attractive. We can sleep in on the weekends, because the kids are capable of getting up by themselves and entertaining themselves. They go the bathroom and wipe their own asses. I don’t have to take a diaper bag anywhere or plan excursions around naptimes. It’s really freeing. My youngest is now 5, and there is no way I want any more children at this point. It was gradual, but I got there. Now, I look at my friends who are having babies in their mid to upper 30′s, even into their 40′s, and I know I don’t want to join them. Sure, I’ll hold their babies, even watch them for a few hours, but I don’t want one of my own.
We knew we were done after our daughter was born last year for a variety of practical and emotional. The main practical one is that my husband is 51 and has been parenting for twenty one years (my oldest step-son is just about ready to graduate from college). He loves babies but wants a future where he isn’t parenting full time at some point. Before the baby was born we’d gone back and forth on the “are we done?” question (we have a four year old plus two young men from his first marriage) and I thought we were done, though I was a bit sad about it. So, the baby was a happy surprise but once she was here we knew for sure we were done, especially since she was a girl. So he got the big snip and we are DONE done done.
I’m 34 and can perhaps imagine a scenario where I might want one more (and can acknowledge I’d probably feel that a bit more strongly if the baby had been a boy) but I’m really at peace with what we have. It feels like we are all here and it makes sense for us financially and where my career is to be done.
I have been thinking very hard about a similar post, but I’ve probably been overthinking it and so I still haven’t written it. I am starting to feel like I’m wanting a third after saying we were absolutely done. Only you can know what you really want. I wouldn’t base another baby on the boys though – they’ll be great people because of you no matter whether they have a younger sibling or not.
I think Diane is a wise woman. I know I’m not done. And I think if that passes then you maybe are done. Jim is done, at least biologically, and I’m okay with that, even though after my miscarriage last year I wasn’t. I just don’t feel complete, and he is understanding of that and prepared to go through an adoption process for another child. But like Diane said, I think you just know. And it may not be so cut and dry, but you will know.
My first two were HARD so we (doctor and myself) decided I was done, and I was so okay with that … until I got pregnant by looking at a baby one day (seriously, Jeff and I weren’t even in the same town when we supposedly conceived). But then a traumatic miscarriage occurred and that was it. I was DONE. Fast forward another five years and *surprise* pregnant again (Jeff was in town this time). And it was right, when it should have been wrong. I was 40, overweight, scared, and done having babies. Yet it was the perfect pregnancy, non-eventful delivery, and he is exactly what our family needed, without knowing we needed something. After that I knew 100% that I was done. And it wasn’t just because of age or physical issues or problems with my female parts (which I had all of), but because I knew in my heart I was done. It was so definitive and I could say it out loud without any hesitation or sadness. So for me, when I knew, I knew, while before then I kept that little “what if” in the back of my mind, even when intellectually I thought I was done. So long story, but it’s meant to say you never know until you know, and things happen that you can’t plan for and sometimes those things are wonderful and amazing and if you’re not 100% sure, wait.
I knew and then I had doubts and then I’m back to knowing. (That probably isn’t very helpful.)
We have two. I’m not a fan of pregnancy. I’m not a fan of delivery. Babies are super cute but sweet mother they are a lot of work. When the doctor asked if I was sure I didn’t want another child right after delivery out second, I kindly asked him (again) to tie my tubes. I was done.
But about the time Maddie was 18 months old, the husband and I went through a period of “did we do the right thing?” I even started researching options for getting pregnant again.
Our lives became crazy again with a new job and an attempt to sell the house and move and now I just can’t even imagine having a third child. Maybe some day down the road I will feel differently but I doubt it. The further away from babies we get, the more sure I am. While I loved holding my newborn nephew this weekend, it was great to give him back.
I don’t have any words of wisdom for you. I think you will know when you know.
I have absolutely no idea. Plus the whole Catholic thing adds a nice fat layer of complexity.
I think, if I were in charge (and had many dollars), I would be biologically done, but adopting from China and maybe fostering too. I no longer get that wistful almost-jealous pang when I hear about a pregnancy or hold a newborn, I’m not at all interested in being pregnant and giving birth again, but I DO really love the idea of more kids. I’m one of five and it’s SO GREAT now, SO GREAT. Of course, my husband has a say too and his feelings are practically concrete on this subject. So. No help here, obvs, just another experience.
I think that telling someone I’m 100% decided on something is, for me, inaccurate. I know that there are other cities I could live in, other jobs I could do, other cars I could drive and other wedding dresses I could have worn. Am I 100% without a doubt done adding to our family? No. But I just never will be because I love what comes of our family and adding a baby would add to that love. I do think 95% is as close as I’m going to get, and I feel comfortable making decisions with T on what to do based on that 95%.
The options for how my life could go are infinite and yet all I know is how I feel today and that is all I can plan on while trying to keep my heart open for what the future holds.
I think I’m with K – I’m 95% sure that 2 is it for us. Especially as the wee man becomes a toddler / preschooler, I’m discovering that over-12-months old is my jam. Not that I won’t love doing newborn again with baby girl here soon, but not sure I have it in me to do that and do it well more than one more time. Add on the ridiculous migraines and celiac nonsense that all seems to be tied to the girl-hormones… Let the tube-tying commence.
One caveat – P and I got together in our early 20s KNOWING we’d have to adopt. (Crackhead doc when I was 19 told me I’d NEVER EVER EVER have kids. Turns out I get pregnant by breathing hard. True fact. It’s a little awkward and why I don’t go to the gym *grin*.) So we’ve always had a place in our minds / hearts for an adopted little one. So we’ve agreed to revisit the adoption discussion in 5-10 years. So pretty sure we’re done making babies, not sure we’re done adding to the family. Not very helpful. Sorry.
Oh wow, love these responses, and hope that they help. I just had twins, and goodlord is parenting twins difficult, especially with a toddler in mix, and especially because I’m too old for this shit, and especially because this is taking a financial toll… But when people say, “You MUST be done with having kids now, right?” (and yes, they say it like that), the answer is that I don’t know. I know that at 30, I was certain that I wanted no kids. I know that at 34, I would’ve given my left arm for a child. But now? I don’t know. And I think that means that I’m not done. I’ll be that lady with 10 kids, and people will stare and be all judgey, but eff it. As the great Bon Jovi wisely says, “It’s my life.”
But since you asked, here’s my advice: Keep on with the acupuncture. It can help with more than just a cold uterus. Hell, you might even find that it has the effect of lessening some of that angst that you carry around with you. Take it out of your hands for awhile and let God or the Universe have it. At the point when you become certain one way or the other, you can take more dramatic steps in that direction.
I have hard pregnancies. This last one did me in. I was crying one day after yet another pre-term labor/tachycardia episode that I could NOT go through this again. Pregnancy. The constant worry. Bed rest. All of it. Plus doing all that again while caring for TWO kids instead of one? No way. Plus I know myself. I don’t do well with chaos. I don’t think I’d be a good mom with three. Two is it for us. 100%.
I agree with K, I think there is no 100% certainty. We have always known we wanted one child. It’s never been a question, never an issue, we have our beautiful girl and we are done. That being said, are there times, though rare, when I don’t wonder if we should have another kid? Absolutely. But do I really want another kid? No, I don’t. I love our life as it is, I feel like our family is perfect for us, but there is maybe a 0.0005% that may always wonder. And I’m okay with that.
Don’t you worry–when you get the news that you are pregnant, you’ll be very happy.
I’m sure you know this story, but when I heard I was going to have baby #3, I almost flipped I was so scared of “inviting a tornado into the house” as Aunt Katherine says; but within a super short time I was great with it. They do keep you young (or in the case of our #3–give you grey hair!).
At the same moment, however, I knew there would be no baby #4! Grammy
I had two hard, high-risk pregnancies. I was already in my mid-30s when my second was born. My husband was in his mid-40s. We had a boy and a girl. Oh, and I don’t like babies. At all. Not even a little bit. I also hated breastfeeding. We knew our family was complete- so much so that I had my tubes tied when my second was born. Haven’t regretted it a bit.
I think I’m the exception to the rule though. I think most people are a little unsure about being done. It’s something that you think about and wonder about your whole life and then to have it DONE all of a sudden… I’m sure it’s a hard choice to make.
You do make exceptionally cute kids though, judging by the picture you showed Ethan. The world would love another one!
After the twins were born, I felt like I could have TONS more babies. One a year! Baybeez 4 evry1!!!!! Now, after an exhausting year parenting twins and a 5 year old, I’m pretty sure I’d be okay if we were done. I don’t feel like anyone is missing when we’re all together. My husband is Very Done. So we’re discussing permanent solutions. I refuse to do anything to my own body for birth control after shouldering the burden for the last 20 years (and having an emotionally devastating miscarriage with a Mirena properly placed), so I’ve left it up to him. We’ll see if he actually takes any steps toward shouldering the birth control burden himself, though…
I have no idea. I do hope that you get that baby if you want that baby.
We thought I was pregnant last month (on purpose) and Mike had second thoughts, which is always…reassuring.
I…don’t know. I thought I was completely done. And now I don’t think I am, and there’s a slight possibility there will be a fourth. I also know I could be very, very happy with the three (big! almost completely potty trained! sleep through the night! getting more expensive by the day!) children I already have.
I do know for 110% certain that if there is a fourth, I will get a tubal and feel very, very done. But right now I don’t want to do anything permanent because I sort of feel like someone’s missing. Which tells me that maybe that’s the answer and there is another one out there.
Blah. You have my sympathies as you try to navigate this. And your youngest is older than mine which I’m sure makes doing the newborn thing again even more scary.
I knew I was done within a couple of months of having my first. I didn’t like, enjoy, or feel fulfilled by motherhood (still don’t, really). I hated the whole experience and had absolutely no desire to do it again. Then, of course, I ended up pregnant again. After having the second one, I knew that either the baby or I or both wouldn’t make it through a third pregnancy, so I had my tubes tied (my wussy husband didn’t want a vasectomy, both because he was feeling protective of his boy bits and because he still kinda wanted more kids. I’ve told him he’s more than welcome to have more children…they just won’t be with me). Basically, I knew I was done when I realized that another pregnancy might literally kill me.
Even now, after my horrible, life-threatening pre-natal and post-partum depression has gone away and my kids are getting a little older and less needy, I would have stopped at one. Two overwhelms my resources in every way. My decision came from knowing my own limitations more than my feelings and desires about children. This is probably not going to be very helpful to you.
Alright, I don’t have any kids so it’s a little unfair for me to try and tackle this question but… I’ll give you one positive and one negative. If you have another child, there’s one additional person’s house that you can live at when you and Gregg get old. The negative? When the kids outnumber the adults, it’s one teardrop away from a full scale riot
I dooooon’t know. I would like someone to just TELL ME.
My heart flutters when I see puppies; not babies.(although I still love and love to hold babies). I just don’t have that ache and want like I did with my first two. If you’re noticing pregnant women everywhere, you might want one more than you think.
Have two kids six months apart. That closed this baby factory real quick. (One adoption, one biological)