Line: I felt his touch in places I didn’t know existed.
Reality: Squashed up next to a wall in coach on Rickshaw Airlines by a strange, very large guy who takes up at least half of my own seat, I felt his touch in places I didn’t know existed. And then I vomited in my mouth a little.
Line: “I need you inside, now!” I screamed to him.
Reality: The dog was in the backyard eating his own poop. “I need you inside, now!” I screamed to him. And then I vomited in my mouth a little.
Line: I felt that familiar sensation building in me and I yelled out.
Reality: “Did you draw on all these walls?” I asked my three-year-old who was holding a sharpie, his face marked up like a Marx brother’s. “No,” he insisted, and I felt that familiar sensation building in me and I yelled out before grabbing the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser I had to buy in bulk at Costco.
Line: Looking at him, I let out a breath I didn’t even know I’d been holding.
Reality: Looking at him, I let out a breath I didn’t even know I’d been holding. That’s when I smelled the familiar dirty diaper smell and held that breath again. And then I vomited in my mouth a little.
Line: Her eyelids fluttered in ecstasy as she felt the familiar warmth fill her up.
Reality: Her eyelids fluttered in ecstasy as she felt the familiar warmth of the brownie sundae with extra hot fudge sauce fill her up and she didn’t even care when it spilled onto her top tummy roll.
THIS IS AMAZING OMG.
I need some brownies RIGHT NOW.
You bring a whole new point of view to all the erotica I’ve ever read (which isn’t much – never got into it).
Offtopic–just saw you’re going to meet Dar Williams. You will ADORE her. She is the absolute sweetest person and she does understand being starstruck (I was the first time I met her…she thinks I look like a younger her, I DO NOT LIE). Just bum around early and if you see a tall guy named Bryn punch him in the arm for me…he’s her keyboardist and from Canada, and he likes to watch the opening acts and such.
I totally needed a laugh today. So, thanks.
Brilliance, and so very true.
HAAA. A++, would read again.
That was hilarious!! Especially the little bit of vomit in the mouth, that seals it
I love you, S!!! You are AWESOME =)!
HAHAHA – you’re so right. And you’re scaring me about having kids / dogs. I feel like there would be a lot of vomiting (on my part)
LOL!!!!! Omg I love this
And this is why I love your blog. I am not the only one with a crazy household.
Cheers!
I think I’m reading the wrong books