Sometimes I get email asking me what Seattle is really like. I usually answer that you have to be tough to live in Seattle, and I know tough, because I grew up on the South Side of Chicago, in the projects*, right when Hoop Dreams was filmed**. Then I get disbelieving responses***, so here is my proof.
In Seattle, people shoot you point blank if you don’t have an instagram account.
In Seattle, if you’re not standing on a chair in a restaurant taking a photo of your pizza at Delancey in order to blog it later and say you “met” Orangette, you’ll be beaten to a pulp by your friends and left in an alley to die.
In Seattle, if people find out you’re not streaming Downton Abbey from Netflix every night, you’ll lose your gang associations.
In Seattle, deranged people of color stalk you with weapons****** right after they come back from body painting sessions at Burning Man and you fear for your life every minute of the day.
In Seattle, if you’re not a gay vegan organic crafter, you’re nothing.
You don’t even want to know what happens to you if you admit you own a Zune.
*No. This is a lie.
**Also a lie.*******
***I have never gotten an email like this in my life.****
****But maybe if you loved me more, I would. That would be nice.*****
*****This is also a lie. Please don’t email me.
******I can’t remember what this footnote was supposed to reference.
*******This one either.
********I just made this footnote up, because I wanted to tell you something funny, but now I’ve forgotten, but I’m committed to finishing up this footnote. I suppose I could rely on a drawing or a photo, but that would be pandering, and I’d never pander to you to make you like me or keep reading.**********
**********Also a lie. And I’m pretty sure this is the wrong number of asterisks.
