Do you know that on November 11th, I’ll have been married for twelve years? It is a true fact. I thought, since my marriage has lasted the span of twenty-eight Hollywood marriages, that I would give some marital advice to you young ones out there. I really know how to make a marriage work.
1. Right now you young things might be looking at your loved one, unable to keep your hands off each other. But that won’t last. In fact, you will dread birthdays and anniversaries, when you’ve both agreed to have obligatory adult relations. Instead of faking it, why not try Netflix? It’s a much better investment in your love lives. Trust me.
2. The day will come when you two will run out of things to watch on Netflix, and decide you are bored. Then you will decide to procreate, and your obligatory adult relations will turn into obligatory babymaking relations, and will make birthdays and anniversaries look like a porno. Save yourself the trouble and just watch something on Hulu instead. Kids are assholes anyway.
3. If, for some reason, you end up having kids, remember that your spouse will appreciate it if you give 110% to child-rearing, which means that s/he will only have to give 90%, which is so unfucking fair because it turns out your kid is exactly like your spouse in all the worst ways and you didn’t see that coming. The best way to resolve this is to have another kid which you hope will be more like you.
4. If, for some reason, your body parts don’t cooperate in creating a little life, remember: kids are assholes. But if you refuse to think this, you can always adopt or try fertility treatments. Then, when friends and relatives tell you and your spouse that your non-working insides are a “blessing in disguise,” you will have someone to make fun of at night with your spouse, which WILL make it a blessing in disguise. Huh.
5. Eventually, your kids will get less demanding and you will realize that Community is never going to come back on air, you will decide to take up a new hobby. Make sure your spouse supports you in your endeavors, but remember, if s/he tries to do slack off on kid-watching duties while you’re at your yoga classes by saying he really needs to learn how to fix an appendix because he’s a resident and it’s his job and also people’s lives depend on it? No fucking way; it’s his turn to watch the kids and child pose isn’t gonna do itself.
6. The best underwear is the kind of that comes in a six-pack at Walmart.
7. Birth control is expensive, but abstinence is cheap, and makes the heart grow fonder. And also, it will allow you more time to eat ice cream in bed while chatting on twitter with your real friends.
8. If you find your spouse staring off into the ether while doing the dishes, and you confront him and ask him what he’s thinking about, and he says, “Work,” or “nothing,” remember this: he’s lying. He’s likely having an affair. The best course of action is to accuse him of this and then stomp out of the house in a huff and drive angry. Then return home four hours later where he will beg you to forgive him and that is how you will convince him you really need DirecTV, and you will have a whole host of new things to watch and you won’t have to talk to each other, potentially, for years.