Argh, I really wanted to post something that was not this today, but I’m afraid my soul will not let me. Does your soul ever take control of your brain, overriding basic functions? Like Hal 9000-ing you into eating pints of ice cream even though your brain really doesn’t need it, or making you wear uncomfortable shoes right as your brain is shoving sensible flats your way? Yeah, that’s what this is. I wanted to do a post making fun of the election or cats or mayonnaise, and yet, here I am, about to life list on you.
Firstly, let me tell you that I love to use “life list” as a verb, and also to make fun of it to no end. This is not because I don’t take people’s goals seriously. It’s because it’s funny. There’s a line, and life lists are on the other side of it. That said, I keep thinking about what’s on mine, and y’all, I could put together a very long list of things that I truly want to do that you that looked something like this:
1. Own Frye boots.
2.Walk around telling people they are Frye boots.
3. Look at Frye boots adoringly.
4. Make that mayonnaise taste test video.
5. Without vomiting.
6. Write an anonymous hate letter to fashion designers who brought back peplum, telling them they’re what’s wrong with America.
7. Be on Mystery Science Theater 3000, even though that show is totally not on anymore, and I would only be a shadow.
8. Perform sock puppet theater to a live studio audience.
9. Write a tweet that gets retweeted thousands of times. Retire on my retweet earnings.
10. Make out with President Obama without Michelle or Gregg getting angry.
11. Understand why women think thong underwear is “comfortable.”
These are all things I’d like to do. I could life list for a million years on things like this.
But if I’m being really honest and serious, two things I do not often do, there are only a very few things that I really really RILLY want to do with my life, and none of them include President Obama. Unless President Obama is reading this and is interested. In which case, ignore what I just said.
So, without further ado, here is what, beyond all else, I actually want to do more than breathe right now, but since breathing is a basic function and if I did these things my life would be over or at the very least I’d faint and have a wicked headache, I won’t use that phrase.
*Looks the other way.*
*Fidgets with paper clip.*
*Wonders why she has paper clip while typing.*
Um. So. For real this time, here is what I would like to do, and I am sharing it with you, because I have NO FEAR. Actually, it’s pretty clear I have a lot of fear and use humor as a defense mechanism to distract you from my faults. But anyway. Here you go.
1. Be a publisher author of books and stuff.
2. Be a New York Times bestselling author of books and stuff.
3. Write full-time once the boys are in school full-time.
4. Have the ability to support my family on earnings from my books.
5. Give a speech at a high school or college, telling everyone to stick it to The Man.
6. Run a half-marathon.
7. Tread water in the deep end of the pool for at least two minutes.
8. Bike around Amsterdam.
9. Eat at Chez Panisse.
10. Volunteer weekly for an organization (besides my children’s schools).
11. Have lots of wonderful friendships.
12. Stay married to Gregg forever.
That’s my whole list. I had a list of 100 things that my therapist made me write over ten years ago, and I looked at it, and I just don’t…care. I mean, there are some things that would be great to do, but are they things I want more than anything else? No. If I never attempted them, I wouldn’t even be sad. I sat down for a long time culling the items, and this is it.
I didn’t even put down having another kid, or watching my children graduate from college. I want those things, of course, but I also know that if they don’t happen, it will be alright. And you know, the above things don’t happen, I’ll be alright with those, too, but for now, those are what my pipe dreams revolve around. These are things I’m working on every day.
I don’t care if I don’t see all 50 states or don’t live in a house with a real upstairs I can stand up in without bumping my head or never go back to India. At least, right now I don’t care. This is all I care about right now, and I’m alright with my dreams pretty plain and ordinary. I would love to be at the end of my life knowing that even if I didn’t get everything I desired, I tried. I really, really tried, and I put it out there for everyone to know it, and I worked on the obstacles in my way, and I didn’t give up, and I wasn’t embarrassed.
So, those are my pipe dreams. Would you mind sharing a few of yours with me, so I don’t feel quite like I just did embarrassing karaoke in front of a crowd of sober strangers?