I realize you don’t know much about my kids. Here’s a brief resume for each of them.
Method of Entry into the Human Portal: The way that hurt the most
Name Pronunciation*: Such-E
Education: Two years of mothereffing preschool
Likes: Gluing shit, pasting shit, play-dohing the hell out of the dining room table, vacuuming, chocolate, anything with sugar in it, chocolate, coloring in the lines what what I’m awesome at it, Huckle and anything else that Richard Scarry so much as peed near because that man is Jesus with a pencil, special blankie, lima beans, baths, long walks on the beach as long as I’m being pushed in a stroller because I’m too pretty to walk
Dislikes: Wearing pants, breakfast, going to the bathroom in places other than my pants (not that I’m wearing them), being told not to bite when getting my teeth brushed, all babysitters everywhere forever and ever
Future career: house cleaner or astrophysicist or rabbit
Motto: Pants are for other people.
Method of Entry into the Human Portal: C-section cuz I’m claustrophobic
Name Pronunciation*: Kay-She
Education: Eighty years, or going in to second grade, depending on whether I’m being a drama queen about going to school in the morning
Likes: Building shit, blowing up shit, Legos but only the extremely complicated ones that make my mom cry because that shit is hilarious, beer (what?), playing guitar but I pretend to hate it and sulk, lemonade, building more shit, growing things, using the hose outside when it’s raining to “clean” the front stairs and make a river down the sidewalk, my cousin Ariana, drawing, bombs, guns, missiles, or other things that make my mom cry because that shit is hilarious, my dad, knives, saws, anything dangerous at all, can you sense a pattern, yeah it’s awesome, Ben Gibbard and all of Death Cab for Cutie, The Killers, other inappropriate for me music that Mom doesn’t really like
Dislikes: School, anything with a button or a zipper better stay the fuck away from me, reading, spelling, writing, putting my clothes in the hamper, flushing the toilet, going anywhere any time with anyone new, my brother, being late omg let’s not be late because I’m going to have an epic meltdown and you were late to pick me up and now I’m dead see did that make you happy?
Future career: Building shit and then blowing it up
Motto: Once when I was two I was in an imaginary band with Ben Gibbard called The Dangerous Knives and my mom thought I was going to grow up to be a psychopath, but it turns out I just like tools and rockets and stuff.
*psst, these are our nicknames, not our full ones