Kid Resumes

I realize you don’t know much about my kids. Here’s a brief resume for each of them.

Sachi:

Age: 4.75

Method of Entry into the Human Portal: The way that hurt the most

Name Pronunciation*: Such-E

Education: Two years of mothereffing preschool

Likes: Gluing shit, pasting shit, play-dohing the hell out of the dining room table, vacuuming, chocolate, anything with sugar in it, chocolate, coloring in the lines what what I’m awesome at it, Huckle and anything else that Richard Scarry so much as peed near because that man is Jesus with a pencil, special blankie, lima beans, baths, long walks on the beach as long as I’m being pushed in a stroller because I’m too pretty to walk

Dislikes: Wearing pants, breakfast, going to the bathroom in places other than my pants (not that I’m wearing them), being told not to bite when getting my teeth brushed, all babysitters everywhere forever and ever

Future career: house cleaner or astrophysicist or rabbit

Motto: Pants are for other people.

 

Keshi:

 

Age: 7.25

Method of Entry into the Human Portal: C-section cuz I’m claustrophobic

Name Pronunciation*: Kay-She

Education: Eighty years, or going in to second grade, depending on whether I’m being a drama queen about going to school in the morning

Likes: Building shit, blowing up shit, Legos but only the extremely complicated ones that make my mom cry because that shit is hilarious, beer (what?), playing guitar but I pretend to hate it and sulk, lemonade, building more shit, growing things, using the hose outside when it’s raining to “clean” the front stairs and make a river down the sidewalk, my cousin Ariana, drawing, bombs, guns, missiles, or other things that make my mom cry because that shit is hilarious, my dad, knives, saws, anything dangerous at all, can you sense a pattern, yeah it’s awesome, Ben Gibbard and all of Death Cab for Cutie, The Killers, other inappropriate for me music that Mom doesn’t really like

Dislikes: School, anything with a button or a zipper better stay the fuck away from me, reading, spelling, writing, putting my clothes in the hamper, flushing the toilet, going anywhere any time with anyone new, my brother, being late omg let’s not be late because I’m going to have an epic meltdown and you were late to pick me up and now I’m dead see did that make you happy?

Future career: Building shit and then blowing it up

Motto: Once when I was two I was in an imaginary band with Ben Gibbard called The Dangerous Knives and my mom thought I was going to grow up to be a psychopath, but it turns out I just like tools and rockets and stuff.

*psst, these are our nicknames, not our full ones

 

 

 

Comments

  1. says

    This afternoon, I was seriously joking around about making a resume for my son to highlight his door opening and closing skills should a job open up in an door testing facility. Great minds think alike? All parents make the same jokes? Jury’s out.

  2. says

    I am frakking laughing so hard at the picture of Sachi. He looks exactly like his illustrations. Okay maybe not exactly. I love how “rabbit” is on the list of future occupations. My sister’s was “bird” when she was little

  3. says

    Awesome.

    Astrophysicist or rabbit – fabulous.

    Also, does your 7 year old actually like DCFC?? He’s going to be trouble! ;)

  4. says

    that picture of Sachi is freaking awesome.

    i love these resumes. you should totally whip these out when the boys are 21 and writing up “real” resumes :)

  5. says

    Love this! I can’t decide if I’m team Sachi (pants suck!) or team Keshi (Death Cab for life!); they are both awesome and adorable. You are making me a little jealous that I don’t make boy children.

  6. says

    FABULOUS.

    This could easily become an annual thing. Not that I want to give you assignments or anything.

  7. Nicole says

    Ok, so both my sister and I read your blog and love it but never post, and guess what? We both called the little blankets we slept with our “special blankies”! And slept with them until they fell apart/smelled like Kraft dinner (hint: It wasn’t because we ATE Kraft Dinner near them). I think they were actually swaddling blankets or burping cloths or something because they were only about the size of a baby (or a extra large tea towel) and were also about as thick as a tea towel. My cousin had an actual blanket- it was think and warm and knitted and everything. But mine (and my sisters) was better because I could sleep with it in the summer without broiling.

    Oh- and my 23 year-old-sister? Still has her blankie!