Mommyblogging! And Chickenblogging!

This is not a blog post so much as a string of disconnected thoughts put into one place. WAIT, DID I JUST DEFINE WHAT A BLOG POST IS?

I’ve been thinking for a while how I never, ever write about my children. It’s because I’m a terrible mom. Yesterday I let my kids watch a bunch of My Drunk Kitchen episodes, because come ON she’s funny. (They agreed.) (I know, Busytown would have been more appropriate but not nearly as educational.)

Anyway, I don’t usually like to draw attention to my shitty parenting skills. That stuff stays under the radar until my kids do something drastic and crazy in college, right? Plus, I mean, I love them and everything, but they’re boring. But I never tell YOU about them and then some of you are all, “YOU HAVE KIDS  HUBBA WHA?” I am not keeping them a secret, I promise. I thought maybe I’d write about them a little more because it’s summertime and my brain has nowhere to go that is not kidskidskidskidskidskids because they are around all the goddamned time.

So, Internet, meet my kids.

The normal looking one is Keshi, and he’s seven and going into second grade. He’s really smart and cute and shy.  The freakshow is Sachi, and he’s four and is HI-LARIOUS and seriously, I get most of my jokes from that kid, but he gets lost in our own house. As I said, HI-LARIOUS. (The girl in between them is their cousin and I haven’t asked permission to post a photo of her, but she’s gorgeous and three and also in love with Keshi. She flirted with him a lot when we saw her. GIRL CAN FLIRT.)

OK, now I feel guilty for posting such a hideous photo of him, so here you go.

Naked bathtub photo of Sachi. Much better!

What else can I tell you about them? Keshi used to eat so many blueberries that he had blue poop, or as we liked to scream to him, “YOU CAN’T EAT THE SMURFS THEY’RE A PEACEFUL PEOPLE!” Sachi did the same thing with kale. KALE. He ate pounds of kale. I thought I’d gotten Perfect Child Eater, but then he got bigger and now he only eats beige foods. All is right with the world.

Have I embarrassed them enough yet? OK. I think I’m doing mommyblogging right.

They’re going to camp this week and I thought that would be awesome but it’s terrible because there’s so much driving involved, and their camp is at the same place but starts and ends at different times and and and. This is not acceptable. I don’t know what I was thinking. Anyhow, I will likely have to hang out near their camp all week, so I’ve decided to go to writing camp (where I am the only camper and also the counselor and I sit in a coffee shop with my computer and…write) and try and get as much of the Office Crush book written as I can.

Oh, that’s another thing. I’m definitely, completely, totally writing a book that fills in the gaps of Office Crush. So! If you want to support this blogger, you can by buying my book! Available some time, when it’s finished! I’m going to self-publish it. I finally got over myself and decided that there is no reason not to and all the people who say self-publishing is bad can just shut up right now. I’m gonna do it and it’s gonna be AWESOME AND SELL ZILLIONS OF COPIES, HOORAY.

But seriously, if you like romance and kissing and laughing and rainbows and nice people and world peace and also guns and aliens and blaster pistols and World War II and that one author JohnGrishamStephenKingJKRowling, you will like my book. I think. I mean, it’s not all the way written, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be amazing.

What else unrelated can I put in here? Oh yes, others of you don’t know that I have chickens. I do! Look at the header above! CHICKENS!

And look, CHICKENS:

Those are not stunt chickens. They are the real thing, and they will peck the shit out of you to prove it. I hate them and they’re evil and YES URBAN FARMING SO HIP gah just get your eggs from debeaked chickens like a normal person. Trust me, having chickens has made me a worse person. Gregg too. He said, “Now I understand the allure of factory farming.”

(I’m sorry. That was a joke. I love animals and that’s why we have backyard chickens. I mean, I love animals and I also EAT animals, but that’s another argument for another day.)

Oh, and I’ve also decided I’m going to attempt to run a half-marathon. Maybe? I don’t know? I do know I ran for twenty minutes STRAIGHT the other day, so I’ve pretty much got this in the bag.

Mommyblogger out.

Comments

  1. says

    First time I saw the Blue Poop as a nanny, I scratched my head a bit. I didn’t call mom right away… but when she got home, words were had about “Uh, about your daughter’s diaper…” Turns out, pint of blueberries the night before. This kid was a serial offender and many were the days when I’d find out “Wow, I guess you guys went blueberry picking over the weekend.”

    Currently my son won’t eat blueberries (weirdo) but… rice and beans. Black beans in and of themselves smell like farts to me now.

  2. says

    Super-cute kids! It’s nice to put faces with the hilarious commentary and artwork. (They seem too smart for Busytown, anyway. . .)

    Best wishes for the solitary writing camp! I am back on the writing wagon myself. Looking forward to the O.C. book; just promise me the proceeds are going to something FABULOUS. Wine is good. ;)

  3. says

    Oh, I am so excited to find out their names! I knew you had kids, duh, but I always wanted to know their names but I thought it would be weird to be all “I demand to know your children’s names.” Anyhoodle. They are adorable. Them and the chickens.
    Team Boss!

  4. AbsP says

    1. Your boys are adorable (you knew that).
    2. I would buy your book.
    3. I am also in writing camp, but the (#%*@(#)$*@ thing I am writing is not fluffy and fun and something no more than about 5 other people in the world will ever read nor will I ever make any money from it unless it gets me a professor job and OMG I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. Um, so yeah, I’m at solitary writing camp, too? Sorry about that. I don’t get much non-husband human contact lately. :/

    I can’t wait to catch up on OC after my exams.

  5. says

    I like to do the responsible thing by getting cage free organic eggs. For free from my friend who owns chickens. No way am I paying extra for eggs when my kids will eat as many as I let them.

  6. Kate B. says

    Our house was full of GREEN poop for a while, one summer. Neon green. Turns out, blue shaved ice and brown make GREEN. freaky.

  7. says

    About those chickens, are they girl chickens or boy chickens?
    Camp times that don’t align are terrible, have fun at your own writing camp. You should go on field trips to donut shops, for variety and a true camp experience.

  8. says

    YESSS! The chickens are back. And I love your child who refuses to wear pants. I’ll be a mom vicariously through your experiences, k? Thanks!

  9. says

    Adorable boys and Hey! mine is getting into second grade too (Same pinch! Giggle * Giggle) Keshi, I think looks a lot like you. I’m glad you put up a pic of the boys and the chickens. Hadn’t seen them in a loooooooong time.

  10. says

    I like chickens from afar. Up close and personal, the beaks scare me a bit. Also, this blog post is full of win, and hey, even if it wasn’t, at least you are blogging on a regular basis, unlike me! Maybe I should try to remedy that before BlogHer…haha.

    Oh and double yay to an Office Crush book!

  11. says

    Fun fact: chickens roam the streets of my neighborhood. The first time I saw one of these wild chickens, I backed away slowly. It was in the middle of the road.

    Yay for writing a book on a schedule! I wish I had that level of commitment to my own writing. I can’t wait to read your book. I’m thinking about buying a Kindle for myself as a birthday/Christmas/not dying under a pile of dusty books present, so I can delve into this world of self-published books.

  12. says

    I grew up near lots of farms. I dated a farmer. In theory, I think urban farming is cool. In reality, I am not willing to be that close to a chicken.

  13. says

    Superman ice cream/rainbow frozen yogurt does the same thing as blueberries.

    And chickens and squirrels are in the same category in my book: Animals That Are Useful But Will Eat Your Face If Given The Chance.

  14. says

    Oh I love this post! And love the comment above about field trips to donut shops! I think I’ll sign myself up for a new writing camp at a coffee house … the one I’m in now is from 11pm til 2am and that’s not going so well. Can’t wait to read your book and now I have a million questions for you about self publishing.

  15. says

    Your kids are cute! And as the mom of teenagers I can safely say they WILL retaliate one day for things like bathtub photos or making them wear screen printed shirts with “Barney Rocks” embazoned across the front.

    No chickens around here. Do wild turkey’s count?

  16. says

    I’m starting a half-marathon class in August. I…don’t know why. Also, ever since Twitter paid off (again) in the form of me learning how to pronounce people’s names without asking, every time I see your name I think “RHYMES WITH COLONY.” So maybe I’ll have it down by November.

  17. Misty says

    OFFICE CRUSH BOOK HU-AH! Totally buying.

    Kids are adorbs. As are the chickens. Kinda. ;)

  18. says

    We totally have the blueberry blue poop thing happening sometimes, too. Pints of blueberries go down his throat. I love that you showed us your children and your chickens that scare me but look delicious I mean probably make delicious eggs.

  19. says

    “YOU CAN’T EAT THE SMURFS”? BWAHAHAHAHA. This right here makes me wish you lived next door because that sounds like something I’d say. I love that.