This is not a blog post so much as a string of disconnected thoughts put into one place. WAIT, DID I JUST DEFINE WHAT A BLOG POST IS?
I’ve been thinking for a while how I never, ever write about my children. It’s because I’m a terrible mom. Yesterday I let my kids watch a bunch of My Drunk Kitchen episodes, because come ON she’s funny. (They agreed.) (I know, Busytown would have been more appropriate but not nearly as educational.)
Anyway, I don’t usually like to draw attention to my shitty parenting skills. That stuff stays under the radar until my kids do something drastic and crazy in college, right? Plus, I mean, I love them and everything, but they’re boring. But I never tell YOU about them and then some of you are all, “YOU HAVE KIDS HUBBA WHA?” I am not keeping them a secret, I promise. I thought maybe I’d write about them a little more because it’s summertime and my brain has nowhere to go that is not kidskidskidskidskidskids because they are around all the goddamned time.
So, Internet, meet my kids.
The normal looking one is Keshi, and he’s seven and going into second grade. He’s really smart and cute and shy. The freakshow is Sachi, and he’s four and is HI-LARIOUS and seriously, I get most of my jokes from that kid, but he gets lost in our own house. As I said, HI-LARIOUS. (The girl in between them is their cousin and I haven’t asked permission to post a photo of her, but she’s gorgeous and three and also in love with Keshi. She flirted with him a lot when we saw her. GIRL CAN FLIRT.)
OK, now I feel guilty for posting such a hideous photo of him, so here you go.
Naked bathtub photo of Sachi. Much better!
What else can I tell you about them? Keshi used to eat so many blueberries that he had blue poop, or as we liked to scream to him, “YOU CAN’T EAT THE SMURFS THEY’RE A PEACEFUL PEOPLE!” Sachi did the same thing with kale. KALE. He ate pounds of kale. I thought I’d gotten Perfect Child Eater, but then he got bigger and now he only eats beige foods. All is right with the world.
Have I embarrassed them enough yet? OK. I think I’m doing mommyblogging right.
They’re going to camp this week and I thought that would be awesome but it’s terrible because there’s so much driving involved, and their camp is at the same place but starts and ends at different times and and and. This is not acceptable. I don’t know what I was thinking. Anyhow, I will likely have to hang out near their camp all week, so I’ve decided to go to writing camp (where I am the only camper and also the counselor and I sit in a coffee shop with my computer and…write) and try and get as much of the Office Crush book written as I can.
Oh, that’s another thing. I’m definitely, completely, totally writing a book that fills in the gaps of Office Crush. So! If you want to support this blogger, you can by buying my book! Available some time, when it’s finished! I’m going to self-publish it. I finally got over myself and decided that there is no reason not to and all the people who say self-publishing is bad can just shut up right now. I’m gonna do it and it’s gonna be AWESOME AND SELL ZILLIONS OF COPIES, HOORAY.
But seriously, if you like romance and kissing and laughing and rainbows and nice people and world peace and also guns and aliens and blaster pistols and World War II and that one author JohnGrishamStephenKingJKRowling, you will like my book. I think. I mean, it’s not all the way written, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be amazing.
What else unrelated can I put in here? Oh yes, others of you don’t know that I have chickens. I do! Look at the header above! CHICKENS!
And look, CHICKENS:
Those are not stunt chickens. They are the real thing, and they will peck the shit out of you to prove it. I hate them and they’re evil and YES URBAN FARMING SO HIP gah just get your eggs from debeaked chickens like a normal person. Trust me, having chickens has made me a worse person. Gregg too. He said, “Now I understand the allure of factory farming.”
(I’m sorry. That was a joke. I love animals and that’s why we have backyard chickens. I mean, I love animals and I also EAT animals, but that’s another argument for another day.)
Oh, and I’ve also decided I’m going to attempt to run a half-marathon. Maybe? I don’t know? I do know I ran for twenty minutes STRAIGHT the other day, so I’ve pretty much got this in the bag.