When we last left Total Virgin Girl, she was being introduced to the exciting world of cheese. But how is she doing now? Let’s check in. *gasp* VAG, are you wearing a cleavage-revealing dress?
Oh, and what do you think?
Uhh, listen, I know Anastasia Steele was a Total Virgin Girl, but Christian Grey isn’t real, you know. But hey, I need to talk to you about something kind of important. It’s about…it’s about Hal.
You…you love Hal? OK, well, the thing is, your family knows about Hal. There’s no easy way for me to say this, so I’m just going to tell you. Your blog had a little intersection of interests and now your whole family is reading your blog. They’re reading all of this right now. They KNOW everything about you. EVERYTHING. They know you’ve had sex before! They know you were pregnant. They are discussing you in worried tones with each other. They know you like romance novels and cheese and boys and writing and beer and they KNOW. They know you’re not a total virgin girl after all.
You changed your dress, VAG! Why?
Indian Auntie! Why…where…how did you find Hal?
You do? But that means…I mean…The whole point of VAG was to….What about appearances? What about becoming a doctor-straight-A-student-married-to-a-nice-Indian-boy-suburban-girl fantasy thing? What’s going to….What’s happening? Why am I writing with so many ellipses? I…can’t….stop! Something…is…happening.
So. Total Virgin Girl is dead. All it took was a little blog explosion and a big reveal that I’m not actually who I was pretending to be to everyone? It’s just Hal?
So what do we do now that we’re not under any pretenses?
Wow. That’s….that’s really fucking hot. OK. Let’s do it.
This is all to say: welcome new readers and family members. I’m not a Total Virgin Girl, and I’m not going to pretend I am. This is me! I won’t deny anything I’ve ever written here! Except if Zooey Deschanel starts reading. Then I deny everything.