In Which Total Virgin Girl Confronts Her Demons

When we last left Total Virgin Girl, she was being introduced to the exciting world of cheese. But how is she doing now? Let’s check in. *gasp* VAG, are you wearing a cleavage-revealing dress?

Oh, and what do you think?

Uhh, listen, I know Anastasia Steele was a Total Virgin Girl, but Christian Grey isn’t real, you know. But hey, I need to talk to you about something kind of important. It’s about…it’s about Hal.

You…you love Hal? OK, well, the thing is, your family knows about Hal. There’s no easy way for me to say this, so I’m just going to tell you. Your blog had a little intersection of interests and now your whole family is reading your blog. They’re reading all of this right now. They KNOW everything about you. EVERYTHING. They know you’ve had sex before! They know you were pregnant. They are discussing you in worried tones with each other. They know you like romance novels and cheese and boys and writing and beer and they KNOW. They know you’re not a total virgin girl after all.

You changed your dress, VAG! Why?

Indian Auntie! Why…where…how did you find Hal?


What’s that?

You do? But that means…I mean…The whole point of VAG was to….What about appearances? What about becoming a doctor-straight-A-student-married-to-a-nice-Indian-boy-suburban-girl fantasy thing? What’s going to….What’s happening? Why am I writing with so many ellipses? I…can’t….stop! Something…is…happening.


So. Total Virgin Girl is dead. All it took was a little blog explosion and a big reveal that I’m not actually who I was pretending to be to everyone? It’s just Hal?

So what do we do now that we’re not under any pretenses?

Wow. That’s….that’s really fucking hot. OK. Let’s do it.

This is all to say: welcome new readers and family members. I’m not a Total Virgin Girl, and I’m not going to pretend I am. This is me! I won’t deny anything I’ve ever written here! Except if Zooey Deschanel starts reading. Then I deny everything.







  1. says

    yay! even the aunties don’t like TVG! There’s a chance that them reading will make things better and not worse. But I know as soon as the entirety of my inlaws started reading my blog I felt the need to change the tone (and clean up the language) a bit.

    Reminds me of my *secret boyfriend* throughout college and beyond and thought I was real slick hiding him from my dad. Six years into it, my parents go to a wedding and see some long-lost friends. They’re swapping stories about their kids and my dad starts gushing about my bf in full detail, how he’s so smart and successful etc. and how we’ve been dating for so long. My mom (who was in on the secret-keeping) nearly fell out of her chair.

  2. says

    My mom reads my blog, occasionally. I’m glad she does – that she can know that side of me. (Maybe she knew that side of me already?) But it does make me… think harder about what I post.

    But I’m glad Hal is here to stay. I’ve grown quite fond of him.