The Adventures of Total Virgin Girl

I am, by and large, a goody two shoes. I have never done anything really bad in my life. I never shoplifted. I’ve never done drugs. I’ve never been with an inappropriate guy. I am, as I was called through most of middle and high school by various people who now look like Gary Busey, Total Virgin Girl.


Total Virgin Girl’s superpowers include averting her eyes, never swearing while an authority figure is around, and always volunteering to do the most menial of tasks, like sorting the recycling. She’s also good at taking the blame for everything. And? She’s never done an illicit thing in her life.


But since I’ve grown a little bit older and done crazy things like…like…*scratches head* *thinks*….like swear on the Internet and eat too much cheese and sometimes drink too much wine, Total Virgin Girl has been giving me the stink eye.

The problem with Total Virgin Girl isn’t that she’s a Total Virgin. No, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. The problem isn’t with her lack of illicit activities. The problem with Total Virgin Girl is that she’s Total Virgin Girl because she’s scared of what everyone else thinks.

She’s not much of a feminist. I thought it was time that Total Virgin Girl met the real me. It was time she met  Hal.

It’s time because I’m visiting my parents this week. My parents are lovely people who totally and completely love Total Virgin Girl, and don’t even know Hal exists. They wouldn’t like Hal very much.


Hal and Total Virgin Girl don’t really get along, so it’s made for a harrowing trip so far.

The thing is, I think Hal might have a point. I think it’s time for Total Virgin Girl to be cut loose.



Did I mention Total Virgin Girl is a vegan and that she’s never farted or burped in her life? It’s true.



I think there’s hope for Total Virgin Girl after all.







  1. says

    Hal is awesome. And so is cheese. I felt a lot better after introducing my parents to my Hal. It took getting me divorced to admit to them that I wasn’t Total Virgin Girl. But now I swear in front of them! And I don’t get yelled at! It’s great.

    PS Total Virgin Girl reminds me of the “dolly” in Jill Tweedie’s “The Experience”. I LOVE that essay.

  2. says

    Oh boy. Can you please create some sort of Hal-Coming-Out-to-VG’s-Parents Manual for those of us who are still locking Hal deep in the basement every time we visit with those who don’t know her?

  3. says

    “A fucking harpy of a wet blanket” is one of the best phrases I’ve read in a while! Also, this is amazeballs. It’s hard not to care about what parents think! Coming out as Hal requires taking away that protective good-girl armor bit by bit. Soon, you’ll find yourself booty-dancing while holding a glass of “sangria” at a family get-together while everyone gazes in amazement. It can happen!

  4. says

    I am also a total VaG, so much so that when I started to cut loose for the first time in FOREVER, I got a lecture about how I’m not acting my age or being true to myself. What if my true self sometimes wants to be a lush who flirts with everything taller than a fire hydrant???

  5. says

    I’m VAG in front of my parents too. Not coz I’m ashamed being HAL in front of them, just scared they might want to get closer to HAL. Well, HAL must have taken after one of them ….or worse both! I’m not ready to know :D

  6. says

    maybe the next time one of your peeps annoys you, let ol’ Hal out for a sec. even if it’s with a belch.
    baby steps.

  7. says

    LOVE this and totally get it. Now that my parents live here part of the year I think they get treated to more of the “real me” than they would if I was still visiting only a few times a year. Which is good.

    Also, the thing about the clove cigarette? Yeah, me too :)