I am, by and large, a goody two shoes. I have never done anything really bad in my life. I never shoplifted. I’ve never done drugs. I’ve never been with an inappropriate guy. I am, as I was called through most of middle and high school by various people who now look like Gary Busey, Total Virgin Girl.
Total Virgin Girl’s superpowers include averting her eyes, never swearing while an authority figure is around, and always volunteering to do the most menial of tasks, like sorting the recycling. She’s also good at taking the blame for everything. And? She’s never done an illicit thing in her life.
But since I’ve grown a little bit older and done crazy things like…like…*scratches head* *thinks*….like swear on the Internet and eat too much cheese and sometimes drink too much wine, Total Virgin Girl has been giving me the stink eye.
The problem with Total Virgin Girl isn’t that she’s a Total Virgin. No, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. The problem isn’t with her lack of illicit activities. The problem with Total Virgin Girl is that she’s Total Virgin Girl because she’s scared of what everyone else thinks.
She’s not much of a feminist. I thought it was time that Total Virgin Girl met the real me. It was time she met Hal.
It’s time because I’m visiting my parents this week. My parents are lovely people who totally and completely love Total Virgin Girl, and don’t even know Hal exists. They wouldn’t like Hal very much.
Hal and Total Virgin Girl don’t really get along, so it’s made for a harrowing trip so far.
The thing is, I think Hal might have a point. I think it’s time for Total Virgin Girl to be cut loose.
Did I mention Total Virgin Girl is a vegan and that she’s never farted or burped in her life? It’s true.
I think there’s hope for Total Virgin Girl after all.