Let’s Talk About Swimsuits

Hey, look! A style post! Kind of. Err, I know I said I would post outfit pictures, but I have a very good reason for not posting them: laziness. See? Good reason! Can you argue with that? No, no you cannot. Do not even try to fight the laziness. It’s not worth it. You’ll yawn and just pick up Graceling instead. Oh, wait, that’s me.

Onward and upward!  I need your help.

I need a bathing suit. I am going to the ocean in about a month, and I have one bathing suit, but it would be nice to have a second in case I need to do something silly, like wash the first one, not that I wash things very often. (See also: laziness.)

Here are my bathing suit requirements: A) it has to be a one-piece.

Yes. Seriously.

I am not a bikini girl. I wore one once, and I felt naked. Because a bikini shows your naked bits. Did you know that? IT’S TRUE! Naked bits=tummy. Plus, I am not very chestally blessed, but I am very, very blessed in the tummy area. How lucky for me! I have a LOT of those naked bits to show, and they need covering. (Thanks, kids. Did you know I once used to be thin? YOU’RE WELCOME FOR YOUR LIFE.) (I might have some PMS today.)

B) It cannot be a halter tie. I have two little boys who paw me, and there is much bending and climbing and I need something more than a STRING to keep things up. Even though I am not chestally blessed, I would not like to flash all of the New Jersey coast. But I hear they’re used to that kind of thing.

Here are some options. Please tell me which ones are ridiculous and which ones are ridiculously awesome.

*Please note that if you do not know what I look like, I do not resemble this jerk of a J. Crew model who is like twelve and even less chestally blessed than me. Sorry, girl. One day you’ll be a woman, and then you can eat nachos in bed. Truth. I look like a girl who eats nachos in bed.

J. Crew triangle tank

Would this make me look four months pregnant? Probably. 

Then there’s this suit from Boden that I can’t grab the image from either because I’m dumb or they are. Either way, does it scream, “I’m a mom and I KNOW it!” or is it alright?

I ridiculously love this one.  But would my children feel the need to poke their fingers through that little keyhole?

Does the one shoulder thing scream seventies disco dance party? Does it matter? (Also from Old Navy.)

OK, you tell me. Now! Seriously!

Comments

  1. Cate says

    Not bikinis. Tankinis. They are the best. You can go to the bathroom without contortions.

    Lands end is always my go-to for swim. I’m eyeing athleta too, although that might be wishful thinking about my sportiness.

  2. says

    I LIKE SO MANY OF THEM. My two favorites are the Boden one (in radish) and the yellow one. Yes, they would poke their fingers, but probably not all day long.

  3. says

    Okay, I have that first one from JCrew. I mean, I have the version from 5 years ago – it hasn’t changed much. It’s low cut. I’m relatively smallish in the chest, but I really felt UNCOVERED / FALLING out in it. The v-cut neck felt like it went to my tummy button. Needless to say, I don’t like it or wear it. The rest of it was fine, though, Just something to think about it.

    These days, I also like the tankinis, provided that they are long enough to fully cover my chubby tummy. I also like the ability to mix and match tops and bottoms – it feels like a new swimsuit everyday! Without washing! And there are swim shorts! I’m ridiculously modest. I like Athleta’s suits via internet ordering. They haven’t disappointed me (yet).

  4. says

    I like the selection ModCloth has: http://www.modcloth.com/shop/onepiece-swimwear

    I bought this one: http://www.modcloth.com/shop/onepiece-swimwear/bathing-beauty-one-piece-in-black
    and it’s really tight and sucks in my stomach. It looks good on, and I’m not a “looks good in bathing suits” kindof person. It can’t help my thighs, as they are not covered though. Also, the strap ties at the back of the neck, but it’s a thick strap and pretty substantial. I don’t know if that meets your requirements. Good luck searching! Of the choices here, I like the yellow one best. :)

  5. says

    You’ll look great in any of those colors. As for cut n style, my vote is for the grey. The Boden one comes a distant second. Have a great weekend Peeps !

  6. says

    I love that yellow one. I would look like warned over hell in it, but from what I’ve seen it would be incredibly cute on you. And that seaming looks totally tummy-disguising.

    I bought this one last year (http://www.landsend.com/pp/womens-grecian-one-piece-slender-suit~180862_593.html?bcc=y&action=order_more&sku_0=::GC2&CM_MERCH=IDX_women-_-swimsuits-_-shop-by-silhouette-_-one-piece-swimsuits&origin=index) because I saw it on someone at the beach and it looked so incredible on her. (I bought it on dead-of-winter clearance, though.) Unfortunately, I forgot that the reason I no longer wear one-pieces is because I apparently have the longest torso in the history of torsos and thus one-pieces cause me to spend all of my beach time picking wedgies. It’s a beautiful suit, though.

    • Kathy says

      Your torso couldn’t be longer than mine, you’d have no legs. Longitute is the brand for both of us! I have 3 suits in that brand, tummy hiding, cute and no wedgies!! Love them!

  7. says

    Oh, the yellow one is cute! I like the colors and stripes. Also, bright bathing suits are awesome. I also second the person who said tankini–it’s really hard to take off a one-piece when it’s wet and then oh the contortions to get it back on. Besides, if you get a tankini, you can mix and match the pieces. Limericki (http://www.limericki.com/WOMEN) has lots of cute, modest swimsuits. I learned about them from Mormon fashion blogs. (I am not a Mormon, but I dress like one!)

  8. Lisa Phillips says

    I absolutely love the gray with one shoulder. You can get great tankini separates at Target, The Avenue, or Maurice’s. Reasonably priced.

  9. says

    I am firmly in the tankini camp. I am blessed in the tummy area (all without having kids!!) and a tankini covers everything that needs to be covered and makes it easier to put on and off. I am also a fan of Land’s End tankinis–I have the one in bright magenta or orchid or whatever and it’s pretty cute. I even like the one with a little skirt. I feel almost cute in it. However, if you must go with the one piece, I think yellow always looks good on brown skin.

  10. laura says

    Tankinis! But I do love all your choices. Here’s what I think of each:

    JCrew triangle – love this. Just not sure what it would look like on someone who’s not 12. And yes, she needs to start eating some nachos.

    JCrew strip – I’m a lover of stripes. Just not sure about this one. Might not do wonders for the tummy-area (damn kids).

    Boden – really cute! Love the retro styling! But I think low leg-openings are hard to wear. Unless you’re 6′ tall.

    Yellow – THIS IS THE ONE!!!! And the kids won’t poke the keyhole, they’ll be too busy playing :)

    Old Navy – cute but would make weird, uneven tan-lines and even with weird things, I like things them to be symmetrical.

    Let us know which one you choose!!

  11. says

    I like the grey one – rouching is always flattering. (I’m well versed in rouching….) I have trouble finding tankinis that are long enough. I’ve found that halters that have clips (instead of ties) are pretty secure.

  12. says

    I am tummy blessed as well and LOVE LOVE LOVE tankinis, usually from Lands End but also LL Bean. Usually I go for the swimmini skirt-ish bottom, but this year I’m doing the swim shorts — makes me more comfortable while building sand castles and walking on the beach (AKA chasing child on the beach).
    As for your choices, I love the last one, but agree the tan line will be weird, if you’re concerned with tan lines (I’ve given up worrying about tan lines).
    Have fun at the beach!

  13. AbsP says

    I third (or fourth? I lost count) Land’s End AND tankinis. I have a swim skirt thanks to baggy thigh skin from massive weight loss and the top is full coverage to conceal baggy stomach skin (also due to weight loss). I love that you can mix and match pieces and create your ideal suit. And if you go to an outlet, if you have one near you, even better! Of the ones you posted, I like the yellow keyhole one the best. I feel like the one-shoulder one might pop the non-strap-side boob out. I don’t know why.

  14. says

    My favorites are the Boden one and the gray one shouldered one. Although, I’m not sure how the support would be with only one shoulder strap.

  15. Kate B. says

    Another vote for Tankinis. Aside from that, I think the yellow one would be adorable on you.

  16. Kathy says

    I don’t really like the first two, I think they’d be minimizing in the bust area, probably not the look you are going for. Plus I think the stripes would be tummy enhancing and ditto. I really like the yellow one and I think the novelty factor of the keyhole would wear off your kids. I like the stying the best of the gray one from Old Navy, plus it’s probably inexpensive and they’re almost always running an online coupon. The ruching at the stomach area would be very flattering. I agree with a previous poster who was worried about the tan lines but at that price perhaps you could get another style too and alternate so the tan lines wouldn’t be so stark.

  17. says

    All cute. I love the yellow strips the best but I would pick the gray for myself! Fun idea for a post : )

  18. says

    I hate swimsuits so much. But my most favorite one ever was the maternity suit I got from Old Navy in 2009. It had rouching (sp?) which I think made it rock, and when I was pregnant I didn’t obsess about my body because of course I was supposed to be huge :) But I still love that suit. Someday I’ll go out and find a similar non-maternity one just like it :) So my vote was for the grey though I’m not sure about the one shoulder thing.

  19. says

    I love the yellow one and the one shoulder…they are super cute and comfy looking. The yellow one will be nice for tummy flattering too. The Boden one will look like a mom suit…I just went through this. I ordered a bunch of suits and any with floral prints looked awful. Only 12 year old models can make them look cool.

    Good luck!

  20. says

    I LOVE the yellow one! I have a strapless one that’s similar to the gray one, and it does a lovely job of camouflaging problem areas.

    I disagree with the tankini idea. I have a long torso, so the tops always hit right above my baby pooch and my flabby hangs out. Though I do love the ease of peeing that you lose with a one piece.

  21. says

    If you put a snapping turtle in your chestal area, your kids would only poke their fingers in once.

    I love that yellow one and I am in favour of more people wearing yellow if they can wear it. I cannot wear yellow as I have white skin with yellow undertones and I look like a sad pat of butter at the best of times, but YOU SHOULD because YOU CAN. Yellow it up.

  22. says

    I haven’t read any of the comments, but I bought this swimsuit before Vegas and LOVE it: http://www.popinaswimwear.com/jantzen-swimwear-vamp-bathing-suit-red-white-polka-dot-pr-277.html

    It, uh, happens to be the same one Kelle Hampton has, which wasn’t totally on purpose. I clicked on her link intending to pick out a different suit from the vintage line, but this one was my favorite. It’s very flattering. It *is* essentially strapless (the strap is totally optional and nothing but cosmetic), but it’s super secure and I never worried about it sliding down.

    Out of the options you posted, I like the yellow one best:)

  23. says

    Nachos in bed! Bliss! Heavenly bliss! I like the first one and the last one the best, but they are all super cute. I could never buy a bathing suit without trying it on, so if you are one of those people who can order things online and have them fit, then Hooray For You! And any of them will look just fab.