I have a confession to make. I haven’t been completely honest on these here weblog of mine. I know that people reveal themselves to the world through blogging, but I’ve been putting up a facade. Inside, this is how I really, truly see myself:
That’s right. I’m a fat, bald, beer-loving middle-aged tactless white man who swears a lot.
And who loves poofy skirts.
My inner me is named Hal, partly after that scary computer in 2001, and partly after this construction worker down the street that liked to heckle all the pretty young women as they walked by.
Regular Outside Shalini has no opinions. I love everyone and rainbows and butterflies and singing! I think everyone is just great! I’m sweet and kind and totally normal in every single way! I’ve never sworn or gotten in trouble and I am at my core a peaceful human being.
But Hal has opinions. I cannot control Hal and his opinions. He has them no matter what, especially when hormones and fertility drugs are raging through Hal.
Hal really shouldn’t swear. He has anger management issues too. Like the time Regular Outside Shalini tried to make a vegan recipe for Hal.
I tried to explain to Hal that that’s not how the Internet works. I can’t just make my blog famous, and that maybe there’s a larger reason why I haven’t made it as a writer yet. Like maybe I’m supposed to do some other kind of work, or maybe I need to work on other things in my life.
Regular Outside Shalini totally fucking agrees.
(Hey, I’m starting this new thing where I put a link at the end of each post to something I love. And to start? I read this in 2006 and it is STILL the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life: Picture Day.)