A Warning For People Who Don’t Want Dogs Peeing On Their Lawns

Do you remember my dog Malcolm? My sweet, sweet innocent dog who’s afraid of right turns and who finds cats confusing?

Malcolm’s third favorite thing in the world is peeing on vertical objects. His first favorite thing is eating. His second favorite thing is stealth pooping, where he poops in a bush or some ivy where we can’t find the poop, so it will stay there for all eternity, or until a drunk college student stumbles into said bush. Sorry Drunk College Student. We looked.

But back to the third* favorite thing. This is how Malcolm sees the world:

He is happy to oblige them all!

But I’ve come to notice that not everyone sees the world the same as Malcolm. In particular, people put up signs like this:

You alls, I don’t know if you’re one of those people with this sign in your yard, but I have to tell you a secret: dogs can’t read. No, it’s true!

They can’t even understand simple signage with no words! That big red slash means NOTHING to my dog. I’m for serious! I know, you didn’t know that, did you?

In fact, this is what the sign looks like to Malcolm:

That’s right, those signs are like the extra-pathetic Craigslist ads. This sign wants a golden shower, and my dog is like a hooker with a heart of gold who just can’t say no.

And it turns out that ALL dogs are hookers with hearts of gold, because these signs get A LOT of action. They get more action than anything else in the neighborhood, despite what they say to innocent dogs who just want to have a quick fun pee on someone’s lawn to turn it brown and kill it forever and ever and make sure nothing ever grows there again.

So sttop putting up those pervy, dirty, dog-molesting signs. I’m on to you. I know what you’re up to. It’s wrong and gross. My dog is a good dog who got into a bad situation, and it’s terrible to see so many people soliciting pee from a kind, gentle dog like him. He doesn’t deserve a life on the streets, peeing on creeps, eating roadkill**.

*Malcolm’s fourth favorite thing to do in the world is eat stealth poops while peeing.

**Malcolm tells me that would actually be a very awesome life. That’s because he’s only a teenager. He doesn’t need this bad influence.

***Psst, thank you for the happy birthdays for Gregg yesterday. You made his day; you’re awesome.




  1. Mark says

    My FIL and I were just talking about this last weekend. The grass in the middle of the area between the sidewalk and the street – 2-3 inches taller than the rest. He says it’s because all the dogs pee there (each to claim the territory over the other twenty dogs that peed there that day). So, according to this theory, people should thank you. You can bring Malcolm here anytime…my lawn needs it.

    • Sandy says

      Dog only go if you train them to go it is rude and disrespectful to let them go on other peoples yards I have a dog i make her go before we go on a walk and she is trained to stay on the sidewalk. So grow up people!!!

  2. says

    I’m dying over here!!! HA!

    Yes…dogs will only pee where they shouldn’t (outside) and they’ll especially pee at the same place a hundred other dogs already went.

  3. says

    My dogs only like to pee on my kid’s stuff. Their slide, their bikes, etc. It’s like their only justice in a world where they used to be kings but then those little two legged bastards came along and ruined everything.

  4. AbsP says

    lol! Oh, Malcolm. My younger Pug has the same desire to sprinkle any and all vertical surfaces. I draw the line at people’s gardens, though, and don’t let him do that. Someone let their huge dog take a GIANT dump in my garden and it pissed me off royally. I have 3 dogs and I have been tempted to put up a sign similar to the pee pee one only about doggy #2. Especially for those who leave giant piles on the boulevard where there is no hiding.

  5. says

    My dogs are both boys yet neither one will lift a leg to pee, they both squat like girls. Does this mean my dogs are gay?

  6. says

    Love this one!!! So true and your drawings are hysterical. My dog does the stealth poop too. We called it “Bush Pooping” but I like Stealth much better :) I think it is rather ingenious. Saves me from having to pick it up! :-)

  7. says

    so bizarre that people think they can ask dogs not to pee on their grass.
    So I guess they don’t mind all the bunny, squirrel, bird, coyote, mouse, etc pee?
    The outdoor world is just full of pee and poo!
    People need to just accept that. LOL.

  8. says

    I HATE those signs. I mean, come one, people. YOU try telling your dog to stop once he lifts his leg (my dog will continue peeing even if you try to pull him away, so he ends up peeing all over his front legs). My favorites are the signs with the cross-out over the picture of the dog pooping. As if you can direct a dog WHERE to poop. OF COURSE he wants to poop on the shiniest, greenest lawn. I mean, in a public restroom, don’t we all go through opening all the stall doors till we find the cleanest toilet seat?

  9. says

    Where is the enterprise people? A little bit or urea is good from the garden, watch it thrive and grow with a little bit of that yellow doggy goodness.