Do you remember my dog Malcolm? My sweet, sweet innocent dog who’s afraid of right turns and who finds cats confusing?
Malcolm’s third favorite thing in the world is peeing on vertical objects. His first favorite thing is eating. His second favorite thing is stealth pooping, where he poops in a bush or some ivy where we can’t find the poop, so it will stay there for all eternity, or until a drunk college student stumbles into said bush. Sorry Drunk College Student. We looked.
But back to the third* favorite thing. This is how Malcolm sees the world:
He is happy to oblige them all!
But I’ve come to notice that not everyone sees the world the same as Malcolm. In particular, people put up signs like this:
You alls, I don’t know if you’re one of those people with this sign in your yard, but I have to tell you a secret: dogs can’t read. No, it’s true!
They can’t even understand simple signage with no words! That big red slash means NOTHING to my dog. I’m for serious! I know, you didn’t know that, did you?
In fact, this is what the sign looks like to Malcolm:
That’s right, those signs are like the extra-pathetic Craigslist ads. This sign wants a golden shower, and my dog is like a hooker with a heart of gold who just can’t say no.
And it turns out that ALL dogs are hookers with hearts of gold, because these signs get A LOT of action. They get more action than anything else in the neighborhood, despite what they say to innocent dogs who just want to have a quick fun pee on someone’s lawn to turn it brown and kill it forever and ever and make sure nothing ever grows there again.
So sttop putting up those pervy, dirty, dog-molesting signs. I’m on to you. I know what you’re up to. It’s wrong and gross. My dog is a good dog who got into a bad situation, and it’s terrible to see so many people soliciting pee from a kind, gentle dog like him. He doesn’t deserve a life on the streets, peeing on creeps, eating roadkill**.
*Malcolm’s fourth favorite thing to do in the world is eat stealth poops while peeing.
**Malcolm tells me that would actually be a very awesome life. That’s because he’s only a teenager. He doesn’t need this bad influence.
***Psst, thank you for the happy birthdays for Gregg yesterday. You made his day; you’re awesome.