Oh, hey guys. What are you up to?
Oh, that’s…um. OK.
What’s with the capes and the bad 80s hair and the gray complexions? I thought you were supposed to sparkle and be gorgeous, not look like Lindsay Lohan’s body doubles.
That’s right. You guys are the Volturi from the Twilight books and movies. You’re like, mega powerful and have special abilities.
You on the left. The guy who looks like he should be on Star Trek: The Next Generation, you’re Aro, right? The leader? And you can read all the thoughts I’ve ever had, right?
Could you tell me if I already took my vitamins today? I can’t remember.
That’s right. Thanks! That was really helpful. Edward was right, you are civilized vampires. And you with the stringy hair, you’re Marcus? You can see when people have strong relationships, so you’re like a Mean Girl from high school.
And Chelsea–you can break people’s relationships up. I knew someone like that in college. We called her Assface.
That’s kind of a lame superpower.
And that means that you’re…Caius?
Your superpower is…oh, you don’t have one. Hmm. Doesn’t that get you down that all your buds have these super abilities and you don’t have anything? Even that little girl has that weird pain trick! And you! Nothing!
Yeah, but, I mean, even Edward has more powers than you. Even Bella has more powers than you! And she’s as lame as they come.
Sorry. But honestly, doesn’t it ever make you sad?
Well, I can see how you all got so powerful, and why you’re so terrifying to other vampires. Those special powers are really something! Now I know why I was on the edge of my seat reading Breaking Dawn; it was the threat that you all were going to come and do some serious MEDDLING.
So I can end this blog post now just because I’m tired and don’t want to edit it even though it hasn’t come to any real conclusion?