This is a representation of a homosexual:
I am also told he plays for the NBA. I don’t know anything about sports, so I’m going to take everyone else’s word on that. I do know something about homosexuals, though! And that’s this:
Homosexuals have superpowers, and Jason Collins has LOTS of them.
How do I know this? I know because Fred Phelps, Jr, of Westboro Baptist Church fame, said that Jason Collins caused the Oklahoma tornadoes.
Listen, I’m not one to just go around believing things anybody says, but this Phelps guy is apparently speaking for GOD. And if God is smashing up houses and killing children because of homosexuals, I’m pretty sure the homosexuals know about this. I mean, here all humanity is praying and doing works and shit and God doesn’t cure cancer or make me a lottery winner or solve the world’s hunger problems no matter how much anyone prays. But all Jason Collins has to do is go out and be gay and God responds like “boom! I’m gonna go kill some children you don’t even know in a very loosely connected and improbable way that just so happens to line up with annual weather patterns! In *your* name!” Ergo: Collins has SUPERPOWERS. He can CONTROL God.
This isn’t the first time men of God have pointed out homosexual superpowers. Apparently gay people also caused Hurricane Isaac and Hurricane Katrina and listen. LISTEN. We have to DO SOMETHING ABOUT THESE HOMOSEXUALS.
These homosexuals are like freaking Storm from the X-Men. They can, like, will the weather to change. If it’s a sunny day, maybe it’s because Jason Collins and God were chatting about what they don’t like in the new Sookie Stackhouse and totally agreeing that Charlaine Harris needs to cut it out with the descriptions of banana hair clips and lace jeans and whatnot. No one wears that, they laugh together. But maybe another day they get into a fight over whether Seattle should get a basketball team. “They wouldn’t build the Sonics a new arena! Definitely not!” Collins says, and God is all, “My favorite person lives in Seattle (that would be Shalini, or Dan Savage, but it hasn’t been made clear), and they clearly need to come back to Seattle.” And then they fight and God is all, “I H8 U!” and Jason Collins causes a bunch of people in Thailand to die because he had Thai food yesterday and it was a little too spicy even though he told the server to only make it a three. Whatever, sorry dead little Thai children, but God H8s gay people.
So, what can we do? Well, here’s what we can do: DON’T PISS OFF THE HOMOSEXUALS. BE NICE TO THEM. Like, super duper extra nice.
Listen, if I knew someone who could a) control God and b) control the weather, I’d be extra super special fucking nice to that person, okay? I might compliment him on his sweatbands even though sweatbands are totally lame. Whatever. Lie. Do what you have to, for the safety of Thai children everywhere.